Righteous Sack Beating: Week ending Nov 29

Sometimes, something(s) deserves to be placed into a bag and whipped mercilessly. That’s where JSBM come in. —Spyn Cycle

Ryan O’Byrne Will Have His Jersey in the Rafters

Jeanshorts and baggedmilk big ups to Ryan O’Byrne of the Montreal Canadiens for scoring the prettiest goal of his entire career. O’Byrne buried his head and let ‘er rip straight down main street into the empty cage to tie things up at two apiece against the Islanders. Clutch goal right there, friends. If only Shawn Horcoff used his wolf vision to score in the empty net against Colorado things may be better in the Nation. We have to give huge props, to the second year man, for coming in and tying it up late in game. The thing that will give him longevity in the NHL will be the ability to contribute when the game is on the line.

Wanye: Umm… guys, he scored that on his own net. That was the tying goal for the Islanders, and Montreal ended up losing the game.

Wait just a damn minute… What did you say? That goal was on the Montreal net? That can’t be right. From what we saw, O’Byrne had his head up and fired one home. Well that’s garbage. Who the hell does he think he is anyway, Steve Smith? Oh well, luckily for O’Byrne, he plays for the Habs and the fans are easygoing and will be able to let this type of thing go after some poutine and a few hours at one of Montreal’s many strip clubs. It’s not like French people are insanely emotional, and will react by threatening to hang him from the roof at Olympic Stadium. He probably won’t even get benched or show up in the highlight reels. That’s embarrassing though. Hopefully, he stands up for himself and mentions that this kind of thing never happens it was just a freak mistake.

Wanye: Yeah… the thing about that. Canadiens fans are ripping on him terribly, and he did get benched, and he also showed up on all highlight reels. Not to mention he tried to play it off like it happens to everyone. Sooo…

Son of a bitch.

Third Jersey Shake Down

Jeanshorts and baggedmilk would like to offer a Righteous Sack beating to the NHL for all this ridiculous third jersey nonsense. Not only do most of them look like rejects from a high school “Design The New Jersey” contest, but why the hell are the unveilings of these fashion disgraces so staggered? The NHL is hyping these jerseys at the rocket pace of a Cam Nichols squash match. The whole point of third jerseys is for fools to shell out money so that they can have the newest Mike Lundin jersey before all their friends. So why haven’t all 30 teams unveiled them on the same day, or at least in the same week? Wouldn’t they want to sell as many of these as they can, and as soon as possible?

Making sense of the NHL is like the pursuing the Holy Grail. It’s rumored to exist but no one can seem to find it. Here is the JSBM look at the six worst jerseys so far.
Atlanta: Your jerseys are terrible. They look like some awful reject from the Arena Football League. Happily no one in Atlanta goes to hockey games and thus no one will have to see these wretched jerseys. Although we’re sure that somewhere the next group of future felons are using them for a game of street pigskin.

Carolina: We don’t understand the blocks that run around the bottom, and the logo looks like it should be clicked to open up World of Warcraft. Much like those playing WoW, wearing a Hurricanes jersey will result in self-imposed abstinence. What’s with their logo anyway? After a diet of dried mango and cabbage and 200 CCs of paint up the ass, this is what came out.

Ottawa Was the design team spending too much time playing Call of Duty, and forgot that they had to come up with a jersey? That is the only explanation for the terrible homage to the Ducks that they came up with. Blame will be handed out with the vengeance of God for the poor play of the Ottawa Senators so far this year, but with these jerseys on can you blame them?

Phoenix Is there something in the NHL rule book that says all expansion teams have to have the ugliest jerseys in the league? The Coyotes jerseys are sponsored by Alpo and that’s the only sense we can make of it. Although, after baggedmilk actually went to a game in Phoenix and describing the advertisers in the arena, it makes perfect sense.

Pittsburgh Powder blue, the manliest of all the blues. Stay tuned for mandatory cats and sex changes of all players and pens fans wearing these jerseys.

Tampa I don’t think they’ve ever had a nice looking jersey, and these ones are no exception. Bolts? Come on, Bolts? They look exactly like the Western Conference All Star jerseys. We are impressed, however, that they didn’t use Jigsaw from the Saw movies as the logo.  It wouldn’t be a surprise to find out, however, that Oren Koules was somehow involved in the Disney family film “Bolt.”

There are more jerseys that are terribly bad, but we just don’t have the time.  We’ve gone over our word count and will have to pay Wanye for the web space.  Leave some comments and let us know which jerseys you like, and which make you wish you took an Espen Knutsen puck to head.

Jeanshorts and Baggedmilk are the writers and creators of the blog jeanshortsandbaggedmilk.com. After countless hours of pleading and crying, JSBM were added to the OilersNation roster. When they aren't writing their hate-filled propaganda, JSBM can be found in their beloved panel van circling a neighbourhood near you. For hate mail and suggestions for the RSB e-mail them at jsbm@oilersnation.com.